AlTeR
by LivTC
Summary: City AU: Karkat Vantas is a bartender at a club run by his best friend, and they've just hired a new DJ. Karkat struggles to make friends with the asshole, because he keeps making messes simply to piss Karkat off. Meanwhile, Karkat's roommates, Sollux and Eridan struggle with... just about everything. Rated M for possible smut in later chapters. Lots of characters make appearances!
1. The Pain and Suffering of Karkat Vantas

**AN: Hey! This is a new story I'm trying out that I would absolutely love to hear all of your feedback on. I'm going to try my best to put out regular updates, but as I've started in December, I'm not so sure how much time I'll have because of holidays and travel and stuff. Anyways, thank you for reading! : )**

"Butterflies ain't made a butter. Sup with that?"

"Look at him. He s_o_ wants to do me. Would _you_ do me?"

"But . . . Is the dark afraid of _me_?"

"Can you expose yourself to a blind person?"

"I swear, though, I taste colors. So what d'ya say, lemme tell ya whatcolor you are?"

"Everythin's a sign if ya read it in the right lan'uage. Like, you 'fusin' to give me a free drink prolly means you wanna bang me in Russian."

This was the bullshit Karkat Vantas had to put up with on a nightly basis at the club he worked at, AlTeR, and that was just from the buzzed costumers at the bar. His bosses were much, much worse, and the grumpy bartender was reminded of this when Equius sat down next to a female customer. She looked disgusted with all his sweat and how the fancy-ass leather chairs creaked under his weight, but he did not seem to notice.

"We have hired a DJ," the muscle-beast told Karkat, shouting slightly over the music and retying his dirty blonde hair into it's signature, low ponytail.

Karkat rolled his eyes and stared out on to the dance floor, watching the pulsating lights and moving bodies as he poured his blonde customer a Bronx cocktail. "Didn't you guys just hire that Can lady?"

"Kanaya," Equius corrected, eyes narrowed, "and she works the lights."

"And look how lovely those are," Karkat scoffed, gesturing to the rapidly moving, rainbow colored spotlights on the warehouse ceiling.

"You're the only one who doesn't like it," Equius told the bartender, who was picking up the customer's empty glasses from the dark granite counter and putting them into the black sink.

The customer giggled loudly. "He doesn' li' a _lot_ a thins! He tol' me-"

Karkat wasn't sure what she would say, but he knew it wouldn't be of any importance, so he cut her off. "Why do we need a DJ?" he asked. "We already have music."

The woman looked very offended, but she resigned to downing her Bronx in one go. Equius looked over in concern, but he and his stupid tank top made no move to stop her. She slammed the glass back down and gave a very big, black-painted smile.

Karkat took it and told her she was cut off as Vriska came strutting up to the bar. She took the spot to her cousin's left, but didn't sit down as he had. Instead, she put her elbows on the counter and her boobs in between, purposely showing them off with a wicked smile. "I'm assuming Equius told you about the DJ, and I'm assuming you're being a little bitch about it."

Karkat sneered, but watched as his customer put down money and flounced clumsily off, making sure she got back to the dance floor where he knew her friends were without falling on her face. "Fuck off, Vriska."

Her bright blonde hair hung around her ribs in waves, and her dark blue eyes sparkled menacingly behind her Aviator-style eyeglasses as she informed him, "Every good club has a DJ. If we want business to pick up, we've gotta get one."

With a glance to the moving, gyrating dance floor, Karkat told the blond cousins, "I think we're doing well."

Vriska cackled icily. "Please, loser. You've only had one barfly, and there's about 25 people on the floor."

Karkat rolled his eyes. "It's fucking Thursday."

Equius butted in, "Last Friday we were at half capacity."

"Which is?" Karkat asked lazily.

"Half is 250."

Karkat stared at them in disbelief. "I can feel my eyes melting out of my skull," he told them. "I can feel them rolling so far back that they're seeing my brain, and in complete disgust, are melting out of my skull."

"Cut the shit," Vriska snapped, frowning now.

Suddenly, a calm voice sounded from Karkat's right. "Hey, now," the giant said, "calm down, my motherfuckers."

At 6'7'', Gamzee was a full 13 inches taller than his best friend from High School, and this aggravated Karkat to no end, especially when he would walk behind the bar and use the bartender's head as an armrest, which he was about to do.

AlTeR had opened two generations ago, and had started as a cabaret. It was passed down to Gamzee's father, who changed it into a dance club. Gamzee's brother, Kurloz, had been the one to inherit it, but Gamzee had to take it over as soon as he turned 21 because Kurloz was _not_ lively enough to run a club. As Gamzee's best friend, Karkat quickly enrolled in mixology school so he could help Gamzee at the bar. Things started falling apart after about a year because Gamzee was always high off his ass and neither boy knew how to properly run a business. That's when cousins Equius (from Gamzee's father's side) and Vriska (mother's side) came into the picture. They had little to no professional training, but they turned the club around fairly quickly. It currently stood as the 2nd most popular club in Toledo, Ohio.

When Gamzee's pale arm landed on Karkat's unruly brown hair, the much shorter of the two hissed. The taller and higher asked, "What's the problem, man?"

"We hired a DJ," Karkat grumbled.

"Yeeaaah," Gamzee drawled out with a giant smile and a shake of his black hair. His spotted pajama pants rustled a little as he bounced his legs, telling the staff, "He starts tomorrow."

"We know, idiot," Vriska said with an eyeroll. Gamzee just smiled, not offended in the least.

Another body came over, asking in its British accent, "Was there a meeting I was not informed of?"

"No," Karkat spat. He didn't like the new girl. He didn't like new anything. "We're just discussing the new DJ."

"Oh, yes!" Kanaya exclaimed, chocolate skin glowing lightly in the rainbow lights she designed. "Equius told me about him earlier. He starts tomorrow, doesn't he?"

"Yes, he _fucking starts tomorrow_!" Karkat yelled, extremely frustrated. How many times would they remind him? How many goddamn times would he have to listen to this fucking bullshit about some fake-ass "musician"? Kanaya stared in shock, but the other three did not react as Karkat continued, "I swear to all that is holy, I will hang the next person who talks about the goddamn DJ from the fucking rafters!"

Vriska smirked. "His name is Dave."


	2. Oh God, It's a Coffee Shop AU

**AN: Oh my gosh, guys! Thank you so so so much for all the emails I've been getting the past day. I didn't expect to get _any_ reviews or follow or favorites _in less than a day_, but I got a bunch! You guys are amazing, and I decided to post this chapter way earlier than planned because of it.**

**Enjoy! : )**

"Yo!" rang a voice through the back of the coffee shop. "Chu doin', New Kid?"

Eridan slammed his hand against the side of the big, clunky cappuccino machine he was attempting to use, making it sputter and wheeze before dying. "W-what the fuck is _w-wrong w-with this thin'?!_" he yelled in frustration.

"Watch the fuckin' language," the boss-lady said, thwacking the new employee on the back of the head, earning a pleasingly pained moan. "An' krill the stutter. Shit's fuckin' annoyin'."

Eridan glared up at Miss Peixes. Eridan stood at a proud six feet two inches, but his boss had an inch on him _without_ heels, and she was currently wearing five inch stilettos. Said shoes clacked on the white tile floor as Meenah stepped closer to examine the machine. Eridan took a step backwards, nearly causing him to run in Feferi, the boss's niece. Fef gracefully glided out of Eridan's path with a giggle.

"Hi," she greeted, hiding a bit behind her long brown hair as she passed.

Eridan jerked his chin up in response.

After Fef turned the corner, leaving the back area and going to the front counter, Meenah looked up to Eridan, and with a calm face, she told him, "You even think a layin' a claw on her and I will skin you faster than ya can reach for your zipper."

Eridan sighed. "I'm gay."

Meenah held her stare for a long, long moment, contemplating the truth of that, before saying, "Keep it dat way."

"So w-w-" Eridan paused, took a breath, and started over. "So _what_ are we gonna do about the machine?"

"Leijon's gotta a handyman friend," Meenah said, backing away. "Go find her, will ya?"

"I'm supposed to be on break."

"And now you're supposed to be findin' a lil' cat girl," she snapped. "I suggest ya get to it."

Eridan glared up at her, but only for a moment before setting off.

"Buoy's beggin' for a firin'," he heard Miss Peixes say as he walked off through the very narrow corridor that led to the break room. Back turned to her, the boy rolled his eyes. He didn't give a _damn_ about this job. He only interviewed for it because Sol and Kar had loudly demanded he start helping pay the rent. Fucking ridiculous, really, cause he _did_ have a job. Sort of.

"Nep," he called after turning to the break room. The little Mexican girl was huddled up with some hot chocolate in a large green armchair. Her blue cat hat was askew on top of her mass of black hair, and her green eyes bore into Eridan's own brown ones when he called out her name. He noticed that she wasn't wearing an apron, which made him wonder if she was even working that day, or if she was just hanging out.

"Hi!" she greeted excitedly, wiggling her hips into the fluffy chair. The break room was a pretty crowded space: there was a white fold-out table in the middle of it, two metal chairs sitting at it, and then three mismatched armchairs scattered wherever they would fit.

"Meenah needs ya ta call up w-whatewer man friend a yours fixes shit."

Nepeta giggled. "You talk silly."

"Thanks," Eridan growled. "Ya gonna call him?"

"On it!" she exclaimed, popping up and waddling quickly towards him. Eridan took a cautious step backwards, but Nep just ended up handing him her hot coco before scampering past. Eridan ended up following, but only because he had to go back to Meenah. As the very, very tiny girl bounced in front of him, chattering excitedly on her dinosaur-aged phone, Eridan noticed that from under her too-long hoodie, a tail was peaking out.

He had to smile at that.

"Hey!" he heard Meenah snap as the two exited the narrow hallway. "Stop lookin' at my gills, Hair."

Nepeta kept walking and talking on, but Eridan's shoulders slumped as he stopped moving. "Creative," he muttered under his breath, adjusting the hot chocolate in his hands.

Honestly, Nep was hardly anything to look at. She was a walking stick in over-sized clothing. If Meenah really wanted to worry about someone turning Eridan, she should've taken a good look at herself. She was a very, very curvy black woman in clothing that would've left her midsection bare if not for the apron, and Eridan was _sure_ she'd given quite a few customers boners, regardless of gender.

"He'll be down in a minute!" Nepeta squeaked happily, putting her phone away and snatching her hot coco back.

Even knowing this, Meenah still inspected and prodded at the cappuccino machine as Nep headed back into the break room.

The bell at the front of the shop, the one that signaled the door opening, went off. Eridan stayed put, which earned him a strange look from his boss.

"Ya gonna go get that?" she asked, like Eridan was an idiot.

"Isn't Fef up there?" he responded with the same tone.

Said girl suddenly yelled to the back, "Eridan! There's someone here for you!"

Meenah raised an eyebrow that silently communicated "I told you so" which was ridiculous, because there was no way she'd known who was coming.

Eridan sighed deeply, but pushed past the woman and to the door that led to the front of the shop. There, he saw Fef at the cash register, talking to Sollux Captor.

The front of the Starbucks was much different that the back. The back was very silver and metal and unwelcoming, where as the front was full of browns and tans and greens, and felt very homey. In front of the counter laid many beautiful wooden tables and a few red leather booths on the walls. The floor was made of muted white tile, and the lights were dimmed slightlly, making the space cozier.

The counter was made of white marble on top of wood that matched the other furniture. On it sat a simple cash register, and all the food goodies. Behind Fef sat a few, simple machines. The bigger, more complicated ones were in the back because Meenah said "they ain't pretty enuff". On the back wall was the famous Starbucks logo in mosaic form. The Starbuck's Siren watched as Eridan bickered with his roommate.

"W-what're you here for?"

Sollux looked to Eridan with mismatched eyes and told him, "Y'know, you coulda told me one of your new coworkerth wath hot."

Eridan ran a hand through his blonde and purple hair in exhaustion as Fef giggled. "Don't let our boss hear you. She's stab you in the eye w-with a fork."

Sollux raised an eyebrow that disappeared into his ginger hair. "Really?"

Fef nodded and explained, "She's my aunt. Super protective."

Sollux nodded. "Lovely. I'll keep that in mind."

"Please," Eridan scoffed, getting aggravated. "You'we only ewer asked out that one girl, and she traded you out for some muscle head."

Sollux glared at his roommate, brown and blue eyes hidden under thick eyelashes. Then, he turned his head to Feferi. "_Would_ you go out with me, if I athked?"

She smirked and said, "Whale, where would you take me?"

The big nerd (who was shorter than the girl at the cash register) smiled and told her, "Hmm. I think it'd be a clathic movie date. Y'know, they're running The Little Mermaid."

"Ooh! I didn't know they did that!" Feferi exclaimed, brown eyes sparkling with excitement as her black hair bounced up and down with the rest of her.

Sollux gave Eridan a look that said "I told you so" before telling Feferi, "Yeah, down at my camputh they do a movie night every Friday. Tonight it'th Ariel."

Eridan butted in, sick of Sollux's bullshit. "W-why'd you come down?"

Sollux glared, upset his little flirting thing had been stopped, but responded as he ran a hand through his bushy hair, "Karkat'th being a pithy little bitch. They hired some new athole to DJ at AlTeR and he hathn't thtopped whining about it. The dude'th got ithues with change, y'know."

"Who's Karkat?" Fef asked.

"Our roommate," Eridan responded. "He's a bartender at that club over on High Street."

"Yeah, I know AlTeR," the tall, chubby girl said, looking at Eridan. "I go down there with my friends a lot. I didn't min-now they were hiring a DJ, though. Sounds fintastic!"

Eridan saw his opportunity to piss Sollux off, and he couldn't resist. He had to take it. With an evil little smirk in his roommate's direction, he asked the girl, "W-wanna go down there w-with us tonight? You can take alla your friends, if you'd like. Sollux has a mini-van."

Sollux glowered, but Fef didn't notice. With a little squeal of joy, she told him, "That sounds krilly cool! I'll go call my friends!"

Fef ran past Eridan into the back, leaving the two roommates by themselves, one smirking proudly, and the other plotting the death of the former.

"Didn't like all a the fish puns?" Eridan teased. "I didn't think they w-were _that_ bad."

Sollux snapped, "Y'know, I'll thtill get to hang out with her, tho your plan ith thtupid."

"W-what is it?" Eridan mocked with a proud, proud smile.

"_Thtupid_, you thtuttering athmunch."

Eridan shrugged. "I'd rather stutter a few-w w-words than lisp all a them."

Suddenly, Meenah burst in from the back, pink heels hitting tile, eyebrow ring glinting in the brighter light, yelling, "Yo! Don't ya be lyin' to me, Hair."

"What?" Eridan asked, dumbfounded, making Sollux smirk.

Meenah and her clack clack clacking heels came closer as her gold necklaces clanged together. "Don't tell me you're gay one minute, an then ask out my niece the next. Ya pissin' me off, buoy."

"No," Eridan said. "That's not what happened. This asshole," he said, gesturing to Sollux, "asked her out to a movie, and I butted in and said I'd drive her friends to the club, instead."

Sollux's smile quickly died as Meenah turned her anger to him.

**AN: Pssssst... I'd always love to get more reviews, guys : )**

**EDIT: Thanks to nignig for reminding me about Meenah's fish puns! Somehow, I managed to get Fef's in, but not hers.**


	3. Meet the New Asshole

Karkat couldn't recall a busier night than that Friday. It seemed like everyone in town had shown up, no doubt due to Vriska's dumbass poster-making, showing off the new DJ, who was a total douche, by the way, in case you were wondering.

Karkat and Equius always came into work before AlTeR opened to help get the place ready. Gamzee technically lived in the attic of the club, but he was rarely around before opening (and sometimes, not even after). That Friday was different, however, because Equius had disappeared for a bit to go to Starbucks on what Karkat had assumed was a coffee run (he hadn't come back with anything), and Gamzee had actually come out early to show the new guy around.

Said new guy was almost as tall as Gamzee, only missing him by two inches (which was saying quite a bit, as Gamzee was a giant). He wore a white and red shirt with a little record in the middle, black skinny jeans, and a dumbass black beanie to match. The hair that stuck out was bright, bright blond, and his skin was whiter than someone who'd never seen a day of sun in their life. His shoes were checkered Vans, and even though the club was a damn dark place, he wore fucking Aviator shades.

Basically, the new DJ looked like a pretentious dickhole.

The glasses were the worst. Nothing grated on Karkat's nerves more than the sunglasses did. Equius, and even Karkat's blind ex, always took theirs off when entering AlTeR. And, as ridiculous as it was, Karkat couldn't help but be angry over how he didn't know what the sunglasses hid. Did the DJ have some nasty ass scar, or did he have mismatched eyes like Sollux? What was going on there?

The DJ's attitude did not help.

Around 9:30, half an hour before the night club opened, the DJ was done setting up his (fucking pretentious) red turntable things. He jumped off the stage, arms out to help balance himself, which made him look like he was a goddamn bird or something. Karkat cleaned an empty glass at the bar in silence as he watched the DJ make his way over, eyes narrowed. The young man shoved his hands into his tight pockets as best he could as he made his way across the empty dance floor, head down. Karkat knew it wasn't a humble move, though; he thought he was being cool.

Karkat stared, vision tinted red, the whole time the DJ walked. As he got closer, Karkat could tell he had little red earbuds in, connected to some sort of device in his back pocket. He was muttering fast lyrics to himself as he came up to the bar, eyes never leaving the floor. His hands stayed in his pockets as he gracefully plopped himself down on the leather bar stool right in front of Karkat.

"What's your name, man?" the DJ asked in a deep, flat voice after looking up. His face was expressionless and his music was loud enough to hear, which filled Karkat with the urge to punch him.

"Fuck off," the bartender snapped, turning his back to put the glass he'd been cleaning down and grab another. Normally, he would've turned back, but he decided to stay where he was.

"Alright, Grumps, I'm Dave."

"Don't give a flying damn," Karkat told him over his shoulder. "If I could find a damn to shittily glue some wings to, no matter how poor quality and useless it was, I still wouldn't give it to you."

The DJ nodded slowly, and knowing the bartender couldn't see him, stood up slightly. He leaned over the bar and snatched one of the cardboard coasters from its stack by some bottles of booze. The DJ sat back down a little too hard on the creaky seat, making Karkat whip around. He saw the Budweiser square turning between the DJ's fingers. The blonde kept his straight face, nodding silently along to the beat of his music.

Karkat slammed down the glass and the tan towel he was cleaning with, then growled a bit as he stole the coaster back. He put it back on it's pile, saying lowly, "Don't touch my shit."

"They told me about you, Karkitty," Dave drawled, earning a twitch from the short brunette. "How you're one of those little uppity bitches that refuses to have any fun, like even an ounce of the shit will kill you. Why not just have a drink, man? It's free. Probably less than the. . ." he trailed off, looking for a beer brand, before continuing, "damn Yuengling stuff you sell. Hell, you can even have a sip of the fun without getting tipsy."

Karkat interrupted the ramble, snapping, "I will punch you in the throat so hard, leaving a hole so large, that people will mistake you for a chain-smoker."

The DJ stared blankly before saying, "Don't know what I did to you, man, but fuck, if you wanna have some rivalry, I'm game."

Dave got up and reached into his back pocket, turning his music up even louder as Karkat called, "Oh yeah, because I want nothing more than to get into some immature game of-"

Dave turned around, continued to walk backwards, and pressed his pointer finger to his slightly pursed lips.

* * *

The club was already pretty busy when Karkat saw Eridan, Sollux, and a their three companions get through the bouncers outside (normally there was only one bouncer, but Equius working with his brother, Horuss, that night, due to the large crowd). He huffed in frustration when he saw his roommates leading their "friends" to the bar.

"Sorry w-we're late, Kar," Eridan said, smiling as he sat down next to the same barfly from the night before. "Sollux's wan is fucked."

Karkat scanned the group of five, seeing faces he recognized and names he didn't remember. Sollux took a seat between the black girl from Starbucks and Eridan as he yelled back, "Hey! Taking that piece of thit was _your_ idea!"

The two lightly bickered, but Karkat's attention was elsewhere. Besides the Starbucks girl was the cat girl Equius sometimes brought around, and then someone Karkat didn't want to see (and who couldn't see him) around the corner.

"Kaaaarkles," she called out, cackling. "It's been a long time!"

Terezi Pyrope and Karkat met in 9th grade, when she and her half-sister moved from Cincinnati to Toledo to be closer to family. The girl shared Mr. Egbert's first period Home Ec. class with Karkat, who had happily been partner-less up until the girl arrived. She bugged him for the first five minutes of class while he tried to mix the stupid, bagged Betty Crocker cake batter without totally fucking it up. She'd talked about dragons and Judge Judy (she'd watched every single episode of every single season and could tell you about every single goddamn case, which she had tried to) until Karkat interrupted, trying to offend her by asking about her dumb red sunglasses, which were against the school's dress code. She took them off with a smile, showing off two totally white eyes. She explained while Karkat stared, horrified, that her half-sister, Vriska, had shot her in the eyes with a BB gun when they were younger, and that Terezi had decided that she wanted her fake replacement eyes to be totally white.

She then proceeded to take one out, making Karkat barf into the batter, much to the dismay of Mr. Egbert.

Karkat thought back on this as he stared at his glasses-less ex. "No, it hasn't," he mumbled back. After all, with Vriska working at AlTeR, Terezi was a pretty steady barfly.

"Hi, Karkat!" the small, cat girl greeted from the other side of the turn, next to the Starbucks girl. "I'm Nepeta, and this is Feferi!"

"Hi," Karkat responded, giving a small wave with his tan towel as he looked to the ground.

"Yo, Kar!" Eridan called, making Karkat sigh with relief. "I'll hawe a Black an Tan."

"And your friends?" Karkat asked, nodding his head to his left at the girls.

"W-why don't you ask _them_, you misogynistic douche?" Eridan laughed.

With a roll of his eyes, Karkat turned back to the girls, who all ordered Terezi's usual, the Bloody Mary. The blonde barfly next to Eridan giggled, agreed that was a good drink, and ordered one herself.

The bartender and Eridan tensed up as Feferi asked Sollux, "Aren't you going to get anything?"

Luckily, Sollux responded with a shake of his head and a "no, I don't really drink", much to his roommates' relief.

"Vriska tells me there's a new DJ," Terezi said as Karkat retrieved the tomato juice he kept in a cupboard under Terezi's usual seat.

"The bitch would be right," Karkat growled out, standing back up. "And for the rest of you with working eyeballs," the short man continued, gesturing to his right, "the douchebag is up on the stage."

Feferi, Nepeta, Sollux, and Eridan looked behind them. The two girls next to the barista giggled with each other as Eridan said, "Kar, w-why do you alw-ways leawe out details concernin' how-w hot people are?"

Karkat gave out a low growl as he gave the four girls their Bloody Marys, moving on to Eridan's Black and Tan and resisting the urge to put rat poison in it. Karkat took notice of how shocked Feferi looked at her coworker's question and glared a bit more. Ampora either waved his rainbow flag above his head or kept it hidden in his pocket, depending on who he wanted to get with.

The boy with the dumb hair and big glasses looked to Karkat and said, "You should really bang him."

"Ampora, you fish-fucking fa-!" Karkat started.

Eridan interrupted lazily, "W-well, if you don't, I w-will."

Sollux scoffed as Karkat continued to struggle with words and anger.

"W-what was that, Lispy?"

"You wouldn't thtand a chance with him," Sollux chuckled.

"An _you_ w-would?"

"I didn't thay that," Sollux responded, shaking his head as Feferi breathed a sigh of relief. "Jutht thaying, he'th out of you're league."

Suddenly, the blonde barfly and her friend burst out in laughter.

"W-what're you laughin' at?"

The much more sober of the two responded as the other banged the counter, "That's our cousin."

"Ohhh," Eridan hummed. "So w-what's he like?"

The taller hiccuped and said, "Your lil' shouty friend has him right!"

The younger supplied, "He comes off as a royal prick, but in all honestly he's just a dork with swords in his refrigerator."

"In the _fridge_?!" Karkat exclaimed. "What the everloving _fuck_?"

"I'm Rose, and this is my sister, Roxy, by the way," Rose said, ignoring the bartender.

"Nice to meet you, ladies," Eridan said, smiling largely. "Kar, w-where's my drink?"

"Five seconds away from being in your hair," Karkat growled, finishing the Black and Tan before slamming it down in front of Eridan, who winked in return.

Terezi asked, "When does the DJ get off?"

"Wh. . . When _doesn't_ he?" Roxy giggled violently after sipping her Bloody Mary.

"You're cut off," Karkat said, pointing at the blonde. He turned back to Terezi and said, "Like I fucking know. They only told me they hired the fuckhead yesterday."

Over on the dance floor, the stupid electronic music quieted. The DJ grabbed the mic from over his table and asked the crowd how they were. He was rewarded with a giant roar, but the pretentious fuckhole didn't smile. He continued, saying, "Why don't y'all go take a break and get a drink over at the bar? I've been told there's a good half-off deal going on if you bring a buddy."

Karkat felt himself die a little inside as the crowd cheered, most making there way over.

The bartender was going to murder the DJ.

**AN: Hey, everyone! Sorry this one took a while to put up. December's a crazy month! I'm aiming to get another one up before the end of the week, but Christmas at the latest. **

**Thanks for reading!**

**P.S. I always love to get reviews : )**

**EDIT: op, look what didn't happen...**


	4. Everyone's a Little Bitch

**AN: Hey, guys! Sorry this one took a while to put up. I had 3/4 of it written, and then my computer exploded, leaving me surrounded by dust, failure, frustration, and a ton of procrastination. So. That was fun.**

**Anyways, it done now, so enjoy! : )**

It was a very, very, _very_ long time before the bar closed. Ampora, Captor & Associates left to go to the dance floor after about ten minutes, claiming they we're trying to help out by opening seats. Karkat thought that was absolute bullshit, but he understood that they didn't want to be in the splash zone when the bartender finally snapped.

Only Terezi stayed behind, which worked Karkat up more. She said she was just trying to help, but Karkat knew she just wanted to stay to meet the DJ. She bothered him non-stop, asking where the pretzels were and where the bowls were as Karkat tried not to punch the dumbfuck who ordered them. After a while, Karkat sent her away to talk to Vriska, who confirmed that the offer the DJ had presented to the packed dance floor was valid. Karkat knew that she only agreed to it because it made Karkat's life harder.

Everyone Karkat worked with was a bitch.

About half-an-hour passed before Eridan worked through the swarm, telling Karkat, "W-we'll see you at the apartment, Kar. Fef's gotta curfew-w, an' Meenah is not a lady Sol an' I w-want comin' after us. How-w late do you think you'll be?"

Karkat responded, having to yell (louder than normal) over his customers, "I don't know, Eridan. I'm not a goddamn fortune teller."

Terezi called over, "Don't you guys have a closing time?"

Eridan explained as Karkat took an order and mixed it quickly, "Yeah, but Equius tries to get everyone to clean w-while Gam tries to get eweryone to smoke w-with him."

"Every night?" Terezi asked, fumbling with yet another goddamn fucking bag of shit-tasting pretzels.

"Every night," Karkat responded, handing a particularly girly drink to a buff guy in an orange hat. "Every damn night, like we're swirling around on the big hand of Doctor Pointless's giant-ass white clock, singing the songs of our failures the whole way 'round, even though our brains are far too melted and far too gone to possibly understand one word that comes out of our mouth."

"He's a ray of sunshine, isn't he?" Eridan chuckled to Terezi. "Don't know-w w-what you ewer ewen saw-w in him."

Karkat was about to bite back with a comment on his friend's speech impediment when Terezi broke in. "Didn't see much of anything, really."

"Oh, ha fucking ha!" Karkat yelled. "Another goddamn blind joke from the resident blind girl! Didn't see that coming from five-hundred miles away. I know Terezi didn't! _Ha ha fucking ha_!"

Eridan finally made his getaway after that, telling Karkat to text when he left. While Eridan did sometimes find Karkat's blather to be humorous, Karkat always got all self-loathy and weird after yelling at Terezi. Eridan didn't want to be around for that.

* * *

It was about four in the morning when Karkat got back to his apartment. Sollux, who had classes in just a few hours, was wide awake and sitting in the living room, playing with his laptop.

As the apartment door shut behind Karkat, Sollux greeted, "You're home early."

Karkat groaned in response, dramatically throwing his back pack (all it carried was a change of clothes in case he was vomited on) to the ground. "I hate every single one of them."

"Tho what happened?" the computer nerd asked as Karkat made his way over to the tan couch.

The bartender flopped down next to Sollux rather hard, saying, "You don't really care, fuckface."

"No, but I need background noithe," he said, tapping away at his keyboard as he stared intently at his screen.

Karkat tried for a moment to see the screen before remembering that Sollux had bought one of those dumb screens that make it impossible for other people to see what you're doing. "Everyone's an asswipe, and that's all there is to know."

"The DJ, ethpecially?"

Karkat groaned. "He's worse than a Viagra-induced, four-hour boner."

Sollux raised an eyebrow, but didn't turn his head. "You would know?"

"Fuck off," Karkat responded, almost instinctively. "The DJ thinks he's the coolest fucking douchebag to ever grace the Earth, but you know what? He's just a giant fucking loser with daddy issues, and-"

"You got all thith from a day thpent thcowling at him?"

"Shut _up_!"

"I'm jutht thaying," Sollux shrugged, "I don't get how you know all thith."

"Gamzee wanted to do stupid fucking 'bonding talks', or whatever."

Sollux raised an eyebrow, and quickly glanced at his friend. "KK, that'th thuper gay."

"Yeah," Karkat scoffed, crossing his arms, "you're one to talk."

Sollux's head turned. "What did you thay, athole?"

Karkat gave his eyes a giant roll. "Oh, come fucking _on_!"

Sollux turned his body towards his roommate, eyebrows together in shock under his bushy hair.

Karkat groaned loudly, sinking into the couch like his roommate was the most frustrating, idiotic being he'd ever encountered. "Sollux, no one gives a rat's ass if you're gay, and I think it's time, at 19, that you come to fucking terms with it."

"What the hell are you talking about?!"

"You're ridiculous!" Karkat yelled back. "We live with a guy who wears miniskirts for fun, and yet you're buried so far back into the closet that not even the moths that live in there can find you!"

"I'm _not _fucking _gay_, KK!"

Karkat rolled his eyes one last time before standing up and proclaiming loudly, "Well, your reaction has been extremely homophobic!"

Suddenly, angry, booming footsteps came down the hallway. When the owner of said footsteps turned the corner and was able to be seen by his roommates, the two other boys covered their eyes.

"ERIDAN, PUT ON SOME FUCKING CLOTHES!" Karkat screamed. "YOU CAN'T JUST WALK AROUND THIS PLACE LIKE IT'S A GODDAMN NUDIST RESORT."

As one of the boys peeked, just for a second, the stark-naked, purple-haired man growled out, "So help me, if you tw-wo continue to keep me from my sleep, you w-will hawe to put up with seein' my dick w-way more than you can ewen imagine.

Sollux and Karkat found themselves fighting screams, but for two very different reasons.

**AN: Once again, I am so, _so_ sorry this took so long! I could give you 11 excuses, and then 11 excuses after that, and maybe another 11 after that, and it wouldn't matter, because I should really just own up to the fact that I'm a lazy ass. **

**However, this time, I really do have a good excuse. There is a (slight) possibility of getting an update on this story this week, but definitely not the week after, because I will be in Disney World! Omg I'm so pumped it's fucking ridiculous.**

**Anyways, thank you for reading! Feel free to leave reviews : )**


	5. Pesterchum & Why We Never Use It

**AN: Let me start this chapter by saying: FF doesn't like it when i put TZ's horns in her emoticons. So, sorry about that.**

- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 10:43 -

GC: WHY DO YOU H4T3 D4V3?

GC: 1 TH1NK H3S 4 COOL K1D

CG: YES

CG: I THINK THATS EXACTLY HIS FUCKING PROBLEM

CG: HE THINKS HES THE HOTTEST SHIT

CG: LIKE HE CAME OUT OF A LAVA MONSTERS ASS ONLY TO FALL INTO THE VERY DEPTHS OF HELL

CG: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT

CG: HES NOT

CG: HES A FUCKING POSER TEREZI

GC: YOU 4R3 4 HUG3 CRYB4BY WHO 1S 34S1LY UPS3T BY GL4SS3S

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

GC: N4M3 ON3 P3RSON YOU L1K3 TH4T W34RS GL4SS3S

CG: THATS NOT FAIR

CG: I DONT LIKE ANYONE

CG: AND BOTH MY ROOMMATES WEAR GLASSES

CG: AND I PUT UP WITH THOSE INSUFFERABLE FUCKASSES ON A DAILY BASIS

CG: WHY AM I EVEN DEFENDING MYSELF TO YOU

CG: I DONT NEED TO DO THIS

CG: I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO BE DOING

CG: SUCH AS

CG: NOT FUCKING THIS

GC: YOU 4R3 TH3 CRYB4BY TO 3ND 4LL CRYB4BI3S

CG: FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING CRYING BABY BULLSHIT

CG: I AM A MAN

GC: YOU 4R3 A B4BY SIZ3D M4N W1TH 4 B4BY SIZED FUS3 :]

GC: 1F YOU W3R3 4 ST1CK OF DYN4M1T3,

GC: TH3 WHOL3 WORLD WOULD B3 UP IN FL4MES

GC: 4ND 4LL W3 WOULD 3V3R HEAR WOULD B3 CRY1NG FROM TH3 P3OPL3 OF THE WORLD

GC: BUT MOSTLY

GC: FROM YOU

CG: NO

CG: THATS IT

CG: I WOULD RATHER DEFACE EVERYTHING I OWN WITH POORLY DRAWN DICKS THAN LISTEN TO ANY MORE OF YOUR BLATHER

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] at 10:59 -

With an aggravated huff, Karkat clicked his mouse with a ferocity that was probably just a little bit excessive.

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering caligulasAquariam [CA] at 10:59 -

CG: WHEN IS YOUR LUNCH BREAK

CA: wwhy

CA: miss me?

CG: PLEASE KEEP YOUR FACEHOLE FROM SPEWING RIDICULOUS WORD VOMIT ALL OVER INNOCENT BYSTANDERS

CA: i dont belivve youre either of those thins kar

CG: JUST ANSWER MY QUESTION BEFORE IM REDUCED TO ASKING SOLLUX

CA: is that a promise or a threat

CG: OH HA FUCKING HA

CG: YOU KNOW YOU WORSHIP THE GROUND I WALK ON

CG: I AM YOUR LEADER

CG: I AM YOUR KING

CA: please kar

CA: i think wwe both knoww im higher up in the monarchy than you are

CG: YOU WISH

CA: at best youre marie antionette

CG: I SWEAR TO GOD

CG: STOP YOUR HISTORICAL BULLSHIT AND JUST TELL ME WHEN THE FUCK YOUR LUNCH BREAK IS

CA: im spendin it wwith fef and cat girl

CA: but

CA: if you wanna stop bein a antsocial prick

CA: you can join us

CG: CAT GIRL?

CG: YOU MEAN THAT GIRL YOU BROUGHT WITH YOU TO ALTER?

CA: that wwould be the one

CA: i think her name is Leijon or somefin

CG: FIRST OF ALL

CG: DO NOT

CG: START ON THE GODDAMN FISH PUNS

CG: I WILL RID THE WORLD OF ALL MARINE LIFE I SWEAR TO GOD

CA: thats pretty genocidal kar

CG: DIDNT YOU WANT TO RID THE WORLD OF HOMOSEXUALS AND TREE HUGGERS IN HIGH SCHOOL

CA: oh yes

CA: an look wwhere that got us

CG: ANYWAYS

CG: YOU FUCKING PRETENTIOUS PRICK

CG: HER NAME IS NEPETA

CG: AND IF YOU WEREN'T SPENDING YOUR TIME TRYING TO GET A GOOD LOOK UP FISH GIRLS SKIRT

CG: YOU WOULD KNOW THAT

CA: kar

CA: i dont knoww howw to tell you this

CA: but im

CA: ...

CA: gay

CG: AND EVERY GIRL YOUVE EVER TOLD THAT TO

CG: YOU END UP FUCKING ON THE LIVING ROOM COUCH LIKE THEY WERE GODDAMN PORNSTARS

CA: i wwondered wwhen this wwould come up

CA: kar

CA: those wwere transvvestites

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] disconnected at 11:12 -

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] reconnected at 11:13-

CG: I HATE YOU WITH SUCH A BURNING PASSION

CG: HOW COULD YOU LEAVE THAT OUT

CG: HOW COULD YOU DO THAT

CG: WE EAT THERE

CG: WE HANG OUT THERE

CG: WE FUCKING PLAY VIDEO GAMES ON THAT COUCH

CA: thats transphobic

CG: I HATED IT WHEN I THOUGHT THEY WERE CHICKS TOO

CG: ERIDAN

CG: FOR SIX FUCKING MONTHS

CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE USING WOMEN FOR SEX

CG: WHAT THE HELL

CA: if it makes you feel any better

CA: i am usin fef for her shoes

CG: THAT DOESNT MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER YOU FUCKING PRICK

CG: MAY FEFERI AND NEPETA CAPTURE AND STAB YOU MULTIPLE TIMES WITH THE SHARPEST FORKS HUMAN AND ALIENKIND HAS EVER SEEN.

CA: so ill see you at noon?

CG: YES

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering caligulasAquariam [CA] at 11:21 -

Karkat couldn't even close his laptop before another asshole started pestering him.

- turntechGodhead began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 11:21 -

TG: hey

TG: so your girlfriend gave me your handle

TG: pretty cool of her

TG: i mean if i cared about cyberbullying and all that fun middle school shit i would not have made the same move

TG: but i get it

TG: im hard to resist

TG: anyways

CG: NO

CG: NOT ANYWAYS

CG: FIRST OF ALL

CG: MY RELATIONSHIP WITH TEREZI IS NONE OF YOUR CONCERN AND THEREFORE YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR STUPIDLY POINTED NOSE AND GO SHOVE IT IN SOMEONE ELSE'S BUSINESS

TG: so you like my nose?

CG: WOW

CG: IM SO GLAD THAT YOUR READING SKILLS ARE THAT OF A KINDERGARTENER

CG: YOU GO DAVE

CG: TO USE THE OLD SAYING

CG: "FOUR FOR YOU"

TG: did you just quote mean girls

CG: I WILL QUOTE WHATEVER THE EVERLOVING FUCK I WANT TO QUOTE

TG: why do you type in caps

TG: is your laptop broken

CG: WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO TALK TO ME

TG: no i asked first

CG: WHAT

TG: i asked my question first

CG: SO

CG: NOT ONLY DO YOU HAVE THE READING ABILITY OF A SMALL CHILD

CG: YOU ALSO HAVE THE MATURITY

TG: and youve got the height

CG: THANK YOU FOR FURTHER PROVING MY POINT

TG: so are you gonna answer my question or continue to avoid it like its some tropical disease

CG: HAVE YOU EVER PESTERED TEREZI

TG: no

TG: shes next on my list

CG: THEN ASK HER

CG: HERS IS FAR MORE FUCKED UP

CG: BUT BACK TO THE MAIN POINT OF THIS BULLSHIT

CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT

TG: just wanted to say hi

CG: GOODBYE YOU FUCKHEAD

CG: MAY A DINOSAUR SKELETON RISE FROM THE GRAVE WITH THE INTENTION TO EAT YOU SO THAT WE ALL MAY WATCH AS YOU GET DEVOURED

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 11:25 -

- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 11:25 -

TG: love you too babe

- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 11:25 -

**AN: God, I love writing pesterlogs. **

**Thanks to Bitblondetoday for reviewing the last chapter, and to everyone for reading! : )**

**EDIT: Fixed times I messed up due to idiocy. (Thank you kaiko13 for pointing that out!)**


	6. Lunch with the Fish and Cat Girls

**AN: A guest reviewed the last chapter with a question (I think it was a question?), and since it was a guest and not someone I can PM, I will be answering said question here:  
When Eridan told Karkat that the people he'd been having sex with on the couch were transvestites, he meant men who dress and act like women, but do not necessarily identify as such, much in the same way that (in this fic) Eridan does occasionally dress in miniskirts and Fef's high heels, but he does not identify as a woman. He was not referring to men that were born women or women who were born men.**

**Anyways, on to the (sadly short) chapter!**

At precisely 12:00, Karkat walked into Starbucks to see Feferi, Eridan, and Nepeta sitting together at one of the red booths on the right side of the Starbucks. Meenah was behind the counter and in front of the famous Siren, looking extremely pissed off at the customer who was holding up the line. Karkat watched her, and decided not to get in line himself, as his feet padded across the white tile.

He got two small waves as he took the only open seat, next to Nepeta, who gave him a cute little smile before continuing her conversation with Feferi. Feferi was next to Eridan, arm wrapped around his, even though he wasn't paying her any attention. Even with his "couch confession", Karkat was still pissed he wasn't making Feferi get the message.

Eridan was the first to speak to him. "Hey, Kar," he said without looking up from the newspaper he was reading. What a dick. "W-what exactly did you come to bitch about, today?"

Karkat glowered across the wooden table at his roommate. He almost threatened him with bodily harm, but then turned to Feferi and interrupted her conversation. "Feferi, has Eridan told you he's gay?"

Feferi tilted her head in confusion as she looked over, but had a small smile on her face. "Of course, why?"

Karkat brought his eyebrows together, staring at their intertwined, black-on-white arms.

Eridan looked up only for a moment to say, "Kar, I'm really not that bad a guy."

"Shut up, yes you are," Karkat responded, still trying to make sense of the situation. Turning back to Feferi, he informed her, "He told me he was using you for your shoes."

This made Feferi throw her head back and laugh, nearly sending her golden hippie-headband flying. "Karkat, Eridan and I are just friends."

Speechless, Karkat wildly and helplessly gestured to their arms. This made Eridan roll his eyes and Feferi giggle even more.

Nepeta offered in a high pitched voice, bouncing just slightly as she faced Karkat, "Feferi's just furry touchy-feely."

Karkat gave her a strange look in return; he was not the biggest fan of animal puns.

A few moments of awkward silence passed, Eridan staring at his newspaper, Feferi and Nepeta awaiting conversation, and Karkat too awkward and too stunned to say anything.

Finally, Feferi asked as she put her hand over Eridan's paper, forcing it down, "So, how did you two meet?"

"W-we've been friends since elementary," Eridan said, dramatically pulling his paper back up. "'Friends' bein' a loose term."

"And Sollux?"

Eridan huffed. "W-we knew each other in high school, so w-when the fucker needed a place to stay, w-with goin' to college here an' all, an' I needed to pay less on my rent, I let him liwe w-with me," Eridan said, staring at his newspaper. "An' then Kar needed a place, too, an' fuck it, may as w-well be the King of the Homeless Gays."

"I'm not gay," Karkat immediately said, back straightening. Feferi and Nepeta shared a giggle.

Eridan rolled his brown eyes from behind his thick glasses, leaning back into his seat and flipping the page. "Sure, Kar."

"The only person I've ever dated was Terezi!"

"Oh, yeah," Eridan chuckled. "'Cause she's the shinin' example of femininity."

Karkat sunk into his booth, growling.

"W-why are you two so homophobic, anyw-ways?" Eridan asked, putting his paper down and staring across the booth. "You and Sol both act like bein' gay is the w-worst thing you can be."

Karkat didn't really have a response to that, so he settled for wild, frustrated noises and exaggerated hand gestures. The girls laughed at him, and conversation picked back up without him.

Meanwhile, the line to the register was getting longer, and Karkat could hear that Meenah was yelling at the John Travolta impersonator at the front.

"Eridan," he asked, looking closer, "is that your brother?"

Eridan whipped around to see a man with (poorly) dyed black hair, a white shirt, and light jeans. A cigarette was hanging from his mouth, unlit. Karkat's blonde-haired friend turned back quickly, grabbed his coffee and his paper, and with a very short goodbye, left in a hurry.

The three remaining looked shocked and concerned, taken aback by the suddenness of their friend's departure, but no one moved or said anything. Karkat was very well aware of why the thing that just happened happened, but the girls had no idea, and he felt it should stay that way.

Karkat told them as he stood up, staring at the door, "You should go help Meenah."

Nepeta gave a small nod, knowing Eridan's business wasn't really her place, but Feferi didn't seem to get that message.

There seemed to be a lot of messages concerning Eridan that Feferi did not get.

"I'll help you find him," Feferi said dutifully.

Karkat grimaced at her and said, "No, I've got it."

"Please?" she begged. "I think I can help!"

Karkat shook his head again before saying, "Look, you're wasting my time. I've gotta go."

Feferi huffed as the short man turned around and jogged out and crossed her arms. She frowned, but made up a plan of her own.

**AN: I apologize that this was a quicker one, but it was necessary to push the story, and I shall try to make up for it. **

**In other news, e********veryone popped out to review the last chapter, and they are totally awesome for doing so (I see more pesterlogs in the future)! Thanks to steferstheawesome, SilverEnderwolf, kaiko13, Team Valdez, Bitblondetoday, and YaoiOverlord!**


	7. He's the Manager at Douches R Us

Karkat pulled out his smartphone and immediately hit his Pesterchum app, feet hitting the pavement in a direction he was not one-hundred percent sure was the right one.

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering caligulasAquariam [CA] at 12:16 -

CG: WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU GONE OFF TO

CG: YOU CANNOT JUST PULL THIS SHIT LIKE YOU'RE THE GODDAMN QUEEN OF ENGLAND AND CAN JUST TAKE OFF WHENEVER THE FUCK YOUD LIKE WITHOUT ANY REPERCUSSIONS

CG: OH, WHAT WAS THAT, SIR?

CG: YOU THINK IM MAKING A TOTAL ASS OF MYSELF?

CG: WELL, IM THE QUEEN, SO FUCK YOU, QUEENY OUTY, ITS NOT LIKE ANYONE CAN YELL AT ME

CG: WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THAT

CA: some wwould argue that i am a queen

CG: NO FUCK YOU YOURE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE JOKES RIGHT NOW

CG: YOURE NOT FUNNY AND THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS

CG: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU

CA: somewwhere i am sure you do not wwant to be

CG: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN

CA: havve you evver heard a a place called duelin wwands

CG: OH FUCK YOUR SHIT

CG: A STRIPCLUB IS THE LAST FUCKING PLACE SOMEONE GOES TO HIDE

CA: its actually really perfect wwhen you keep in mind that the person youre hidin from is the biggest bible-thumpin homophobe anyone has evver knowwn

CG: I THOUGHT YOUR BROTHER WAS THE KIND OF ASSHOLE THAT WOULD FUCK ANYTHING WITH A PULSE

CA: wwell dont just limit him to that

CA: hes got a pulseless fleshlight too

CG: ERIDAN

CG: JESUS FUCK NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR BROTHERS SEX TOYS

CA: he gets less pussy action than i do

CA: think about that for a moment

CG: I REALLY REALLY DONT WANT TO

CA: anywways

CA: if you really wwant to hunt me dowwn so wwe can havve a feelins jam that wwilll end up bein a bit too gay for evven my tastes

CA: feel free

CA: i bet the bouncers will let you in

CG: ONE

CG: FUCK YOU IM NOT GAY AND IM NOT JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE I THINK ITS SHAMEFUL OR WHATEVER WORDS YOU WERE TRYING TO PUT INTO MY MOUTH EARLIER

CG: IM JUST NOT GAY AND I DONT WANT PEOPLE TO THINK I AM

CG: I MEAN DO YOU WANT PEOPLE THINKING YOUR STRAIGHT

CA: kar

CA: imagine for a moment

CA: that there is somethin about you that you cant control

CA: that makes you so different that evveryone looks dowwn at you an hates you for it

CA: hates you and tortures you and beats you up for it

CA: includin your owwn family

CA: noww imagine that no one knowws that about you

CA: man

CA: that wwould really fuckin suck

CG: OKAY POINT TAKEN

CG: ARE YOU SURE YOU DONT WANT ME TO PICK YOU UP OR DRIVE YOU ANYWHERE

CA: no kar

CA: dont do me favvors just cause noww you feel bad for lil ol gay me

CG: FUCK YOU

CG: DO YOU WANT HELP OR NOT

CA: not

CG: FINE

CG: THEN YOU CAN WALK HOME

CA: that wwas the plan

- caligulasAquariam [CA] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 12:34 -

As Karkat jammed his phone and his hands into his pocket, he slumped over with a frustrated huff. His Converse-clad feet hit the sidewalk heavily as he headed to his car, a red VW bug. He'd gotten the car a few years back and hated it even then. It was small, cramped, and obnoxiously colored, but it had been cheap and it good condition, so he'd bought it.

As he got into the driver's side, he felt his phone buzz again and considered not answering it. When it went off a second time, he sighed and pulled his phone out, but only looked at the preview screen.

CT: D - your presence is required at the club

TG: yo were having a employee shindig

Karkat huffed, started his car, and drove down to AlTeR.

* * *

When Sollux returned home from classes that night, he plopped down on the living room couch and found himself thinking about the same thing he had all day. He also found that he hated himself for thinking about such things. Sollux unzipped his laptop bag, took his computer out, and booted it up.

To be blunt, Eridan was huge. Like, porn star huge, and the guy hadn't even been hard. There was something about Eridan's toned body and -ahem- _well endowed_ nether regions that had Sollux's mind on porcelain muscles and purple hair all day long. Unsurprisingly, he hated himself for it.

As every other teenager did, Sollux did question his sexuality through out high school. A lot. Even when going out with Hot Chick Megido, Sollux couldn't stop thinking about guys. After all, this was around the time Eridan burst out of the closet (at school, at least), and after finding out that fucking a guy was an actual possibility, an actual thing that could possibly happen . . . Well, Sollux broke up with Aradia so he could figure himself out.

He still hadn't done that.

There was something so comfortable and _normal_ about girls. They could be really bitchy sometimes, and Sollux didn't seem to find them as attractive as his other friends did, but there was still _some_ allure to them. It's not like he was so turned off from tits and vaginas that he would run towards the opposite with open arms and an open mouth, but he had to admit that while girls were more comfortable, guys were more attractive. But even so, dating a girl would earn him far less ridicule. Dating a guy, however, would be preferable.

Sollux shook his head. He was starting to piss himself off. Adjusting his glasses, he opened pesterchum out of boredom.

- twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering caligiousAquariams [CA] at 18:34 -

TA: 2houldnt you be home by now?

CA: no

CA: im busy

TA: when the fuck doe2 your 2hiift end?

CA: later sol

CA: im busy

TA: holy 2hiit

TA: youre at that gay place

TA: the wand2 thiing

CA: yes

CA: so leavve me alone so i can ogle hot asses in privvate

TA: ii can thiink of much more priivate place2 two do 2uch thiing2

TA: 2uch a2

TA: iin your bedroom

CA: wwhy

CA: so you can pervv on me?

TA: what

CA: cmon sol

CA: after last nights showwin

CA: you knoww youd listen or evven chance a look if you could

TA: youre 2o full of 2hiit

CA: am i sol

CA: am i really

TA: dont pull that 2hit on me

TA: KK ii2 the only one who get2 pii22ed at that

CA: it wwas wworth a shot

CA: anywways

CA: i reckon youvve been thinkin a me all day

TA: youre 2tiill full of iit

CA: see

CA: too quick a answwer

CA: youre defensive cause you knoww its true

CA: plus sol

CA: i saww you lookin last night

TA: no 2hiit 2herlock

TA: you took us by surprise

TA: how were we 2upposed two know youd walk iin naked?

CA: i mean after

CA: wwhen you wwere peakin through your fingers

TA: 2crew you

- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering caligiousAquariams [CA] at 18:43 -

- caligiousAquariams [CA] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA] at 18:44 -

CA: hey sol can you drivve me home

TA: not anymore ii cant

TA: call kk

CA: hes mad at me too

TA: what diid you do two him

TA: you know were gonna have two lii2ten two hiim biitch about iit now

CA: acted like a queen i guess

CA: you knoww kar

CA: hes easy to piss off

TA: 2till

TA: you can walk home

- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering caligiousAquariams [CA] at 18:47 -

**AN: Thank you for reading, once again : )**

**Special thanks to last chapter's reviewers, kaiko13, Bitblondetoday, YaoiOverlord, and the ever-present yet nameless guest. It means a lot to me that you four always make sure to review!**


End file.
